So much easier!!

Today we saw Logan without his tube. This is the first time I've ever heard him cry. Zach heard him when he was born but I was too out of it and wasn't feeling well when I was there. This was so special. I love him so much. I'm thankful for the internet, as well. I'd never be able to share this moment without it! Thanks Al Gore (lol).

Quickie

Just thought to let the world know that Logan decided he hated the tube and partially extubated himself. For those of you non medically savy people this means he pulled his ventilator tube out a little. The nurse couldn't get it back in so they decided to just try a high flow nasal canula (clear nose tube). So far he is doing well on it. SO EXCITED!!!

Pictures soon!

Fun times...

Got in an argument with Logan's nurse last night. Otherwise he is doing okay.

Feeling better

I got to hold him today. I REALLY needed it. He handled it like a champ. He seems like he's getting better. I am beyond relieved. We love you so much, Logan. Keep getting better :D

New Central Line

Logan has a new central line. It's in his leg, now. They're keeping him on fentenol and/or versed to keep him comfortable. He's handling it all so well. His infection is still slowly going away. He's lost an ounce which makes him 3 pounds 12 ounces. I would say at least 8 ounces is water so we're all about losing some of that water. He seems happy and comfortable. He's not completely reliant on the vent anymore. He is breathing over it which is awesome.

He seems to be on an upward trend. I hope this time it lasts :D

Hanging in there

So I was told that I hadn't updated and I figure I better get on it.

Logan is doing a little better. His CRP which is the blood test that alerted the staff that there was a nasty infection is going down. The first one they did was in the high 250s and now it's down to the low 200s. Also, he is needing fewer platelet transfusions. Since Tuesday he was getting anywhere from 6 to 10 transfusions a day and now it's down to 2 or 3. He hasn't needed blood again but he's looking paleish blueish grayish (ish ish ish ish) so they might do a hemoglobin test and if it's low they'll give him blood. He's been using a lot of blood for the infection and plus he gets blood tests every other second, it seems. Premature babies don't really produce blood on there own so when it gets depleted they get infused.

His vent settings were lowered a bit. He was on 65% and now he's 30s and 40s so he is breathing easier. His stomach is still pretty bloated but they've been giving him stuff to make him pee like crazy so he is SLOWLY shrinking a bit.

He seems really ticked off at the world. He makes crying faces and squirms. I hate seeing him upset and feeling yucky but it is a MAJOR improvement to pale and lifeless. One of my favorite NICU nurses likes to say, "I'll take pink and pissed off any day" and I agree. Maybe I'll convince the nurse to give him something to relax but for now I'll be glad that he's moving.

He is still pretty sick, but he seems to be slowly getting better. I suppose maybe I can sleep now.

PS I just want to thank my employers and coworkers for supporting me during these last few days (and then some). My boss let me call off this week so I can be with Logan and I appreciate it more than I let off. Between the stress and the non sleep I'm utterly exhausted.
My coworkers have been so nice and so concerned. I've never felt so loved by the people I work with. It's made this whole ordeal easier and I sincerely appreciate it.

Thank you guys soo much! <3

Pray for him

None of the staff will give me an answer if Logan will live through this infection. Things are not hopeful.

I have a hard time praying for him. I am trying. I am so mad at god or fate or whatever higher power is out there. Logan is inocent. Hasn't even seen the sunshine or felt a warm fleece blanket straight out of the dryer. He hasn't laid in grass or smelled the dirt after a spring rainshower. I have so much planned for him and he has so much life to live. How can this happen to him? What have I done to punish my little Logan?

All I've gotten to know of my baby was his little kicks and first smiles. I will always treasure that but call me greedy. I want to hold him without fear of his cables or hurting him. I want to snuggle on a cool day. I want to fall asleep on the couch with him in my arms. I want to hug him and never let go, but eventually I will because his classmates are waiting. I want to take him to stupid movies that he is so excited to see. I want to be there when he catches his first fish. I want to think it's cute that he has a girlfriend, but when it gets too serious think she isn't good enough for him. I want to cry at his wedding and cry when his child is born because his child will look like Logan should have.

It's not fair. I love him more than I can even express.

The day Logan can read this I may thank god. For now I can only try to plead and pray without cursing him at the same time. May he forgive me when the time is right.