Every time I feel unfortunate...

In 185 days Logan will be three, a roundabout way of saying he is roughly thirty months old. Of that time he has only been home seventeen months. In these seventeen months I have had some wonderful and horrible thoughts. I am proud of some thing that have happened, and not of others. I have needed to replace three phones since he's been home:

1. I slipped on ice and my options were to let my right pocket (where I keep my phone) hit the frame of the truck, or slip and fall with Logan in my arms. Goodbye phone, hello bruise, and he will never hear that story - for all I know he'd feel guilty about something that he could not have helped.
2. I left my phone where Logan could get to it and he threw it causing it to come very nearly in half.
3. I was letting him play with my phone at the library. He dropped it and the speaker popped out. Only the speaker, otherwise it functions perfectly.

In this time we have acquired four car seats. but that is kind of natural, after all kids grow. Also, you need  backups for grandma's car.

I've wondered if it was a good time for us to have a child; I've hated the loss of freedoms, including the ability to work more hours and get more money; I've lamented my lack of sleep, until the stage where he slept through the night regularly. I have done many things I thought I might not do.

I lost a job because he was ill and I chose to be with him rather than at Walmart. It was especially painful because I felt at home there. I had friends whose company I enjoyed, especially at lunch. I had times when I was glad for a quiet lunch where it was best if I set an alarm, just in case. But in the end, I made the right choice, and Walmart only proved to show that they were awful: after being the cause of ruining my right hand, they tossed me for such a reason despite the fact that I was eligible for FMLA.

I spent the better part of a year doing nothing. While it was glorious at the time, thinking back it put a lot of strain on Amber. At the very least I could have done more to clean the house and, maybe, even return to school. In the end of the whole mess I got my CNA, the recession finally gave up the ghost, and I got two job offers: Home Depot, or working at a nursing home. I went for the CNA job. It's had it's ups and downs, but in the end I decided recently that I would remain there rather than take another job... until I complete my degree next semester. Muwahahahahaha.

Through all the good times and bad, when I am happy and when I am sad, when I feel unfortunate I think of the family I have made and the son I have been lucky enough to have. So, on June 2nd I will be done with college, and Logan will be three. I propose we have a party to celebrate.

It's almost been a year since we used this thing. I realize that it was cute and we tried to set up a theme for the way the blog looks, but it is so hard to look at. Not aesthetically displeasing, so much as... wow it is really white and packed with some extremely bright colors. Anyway, the reason why I came here:

Damn it sure is nice going to sleep knowing I will, at one point or another, be woken up by my son screaming and crying in his sleep. So glad he's learned how to have nightmares. I can only imagine what they are about.

God knows everything I have bad dreams about I can justify. I'll wake up and the woman I care about won't be dead, I won't have a tiny package, and there's no way the squirrels will get the better of me. But him? He's been chopped up and stitched back together 13 times, all while he was so tiny that even if he'd been conscious enough to come up with the idea of fighting back it would have been futile.

I just want to pick him up, but I know that if I do he'll be up until he falls back asleep again. So I guess I'll just sit there and not read. In the dark. Because that is better than the possibility of waking him up. And heck, who knows, maybe one day - when he is capable of speech - I'll hear something out of it that'll clue me in as to why he is having nightmares.

But the dreams when he babbles and laughs... they make it all worth it.

Tired Baby

It is 23:32 at the time I am writing this. Logan is awake and playful. This is a major problem.

Logan does not fall asleep at bedtime. When he was released from the NICU I spoke to them specifically about his bedtime habits so I could mirror them at home. I spoke about his napping habits. I tried to figure out how best to get him to sleep on a regular schedule for him. I did not care if my sleep suffered, I thought that made me a good father. Apparently the good father thing, is the thing to do if you want your child to eventually wander into an unhealthy sleeping patter. Tomorrow we begin a fun, new little program to help us learn when to sleep and when not to. Hopefully this will teach him what being tired is and he will learn the appropriate response:

Logan and I will wake up around 0600 every day. I do not expect this of Amber, after all she works third shift and is still at work at 0600. Waking him will be the first thing I do. Not even getting dressed will come first.

After getting dressed and snacking we will take a walk. Nothing major, just around the block at first. Eventually it may get bigger, since I don't need to leave to get Amber until about 0700 or so.

Around 0800 I should be home, even on the days Amber works, we will eat breakfast at this time. Afterwards we will set up his bouncer in the kitchen and I will do the dishes.

By 0900 the dishes should be done, and we will go to the living room. This will be play time. But it will be play time with a purpose. I will use this time to try to get him to chase me back and forth across the house. He will learn to crawl better. He will eventually learn to run. When he gets bigger this will be done outside, maybe at a park.

By 1000, whether he actually is or not, we will be bored with the park. We will go home and watch a movie or something to that effect. This will be his first chance for a nap.

At 1100, regardless of if he is asleep or not, we will begin to make lunch, eat lunch, and then do the dishes. If the house needs tidying up this will be the time to put Logan in his bouncer (for now) and clean house. Later in life I will hand him the mini-vac and tell him to go nuts. He will, inevitably, vacuum something that does not need it. He may also suck up something important. I will learn to keep thing put away properly. Until then... the mini-vac is unlikely to actually damage anything but paper.

By now it should be 1200 and Logan may be getting sleepy. This will not be allowed to go anywhere. We may go for a second walk, chase some more, or just go outside. I suppose we will need a garden, that will give me (and when he is older, Logan) something to do.

It should be 1300 by now, if not later. We will come inside and put on a movie. He can sleep now, for one hour from when he naps out. If he should not fall asleep before 1400 he will not get a second nap. But, being generous I shall allow bedtime to be early that night, more on that later.

It should be between 1400 and 1500 now. It will be snack time, and while we eat we will think about dinner, which will be at 1800. But that is for later. From the end of snack time till dinner time will be more play time. If he did not take a second nap it will be play with dad time, to ensure he does not fall asleep. If he IS capable of playing (somewhat) on his own I will use this time to figure out dinner. If dinner is already taken care of we'll just pop in another movie, and provided it ends before 1800 we'll get to watch the whole thing.

It should now be 1700, and depending on the complexity of dinner we will start making it now. When Logan is small he will be able to play in his bouncer, or on the floor with some toys. When he is older he will be able to be my go-fer. When he is older still, he will help me cook. Or Amber, or whoever is cooking. Regardless of the details, he is the designated assistant chef.

At 1800 we will eat, rest our bellies a short while, then we will begin trying to wear Logan out. This will continue until he is on the edge of passing out. I will then continue playing, but not specifically to tire him out. When he is unable to stay awake any more (it will be tricky until I figure out where that point is) I will pick him up and rock him in my arms while I walk to his room. If Amber is home she may do this. In either case the other of us should be preparing his g-tube for the night. Before he falls asleep we will hook him up, and put on a movie for him to fall asleep to.

By now it should be anywhere from 1900-2100 and Logan should be in bed asleep. I will, at this time, sweep, vacuum, mop, etc... at first the noise of the vacuum will wake him back up, even if I close the door. This is ok, he will get used to it eventually and be able to sleep through it. From the point where he falls asleep, till we do, will be mom and dad time.

Thoughts? Local people, is Columbia Street a safe place to be walking around at 0600?

Today Logan finally had his hydroseal corrected. I can now proudly say that my son has boy parts. He no longer possesses the biggest balls of them all. Despite having just had this surgery today in the AM he is wanting to turn over, crawl, and stand. I doubt he'd be thrilled about sitting, but you never know. In two days he can bathe carefully. In two weeks he can return to therapy. And by then we'll be in a new home. Yay for changes!

Logan is asleep right now so I may as well take this chance to update this thing. I won't even try to recall what was going on last time I posted something on here, because it's been over a month and I have slept a lot since then. I do know that he is now eating double what he was sent home on, every two hours instead of every three. He is sleeping quite well at night except for those times that he seems to have his own, non-sleep-related, agenda.

I think crawling may be in his future, or standing. Who knows, perhaps both? In the meantime we are working on reasonable naps, bedtime at or around the same time every night, and a little bit more solidity to his poop. If those things can be achieved life might just be good.

Been A while...

So I noticed that he last entry was Jan 24th. Well over a month ago... eek. Well I suppose this one should start with the surgery that the last one was waiting on: It went well. His bowel is reconnected and functioning properly as can be expected. No real complications except too high of feeds resulting in a little too loose of stool.

Since then, however... he was able to go home Feb 29. It's been a rough few days, but we are figuring each other out. Besides, no offense intended to either NICU he's been in, he's been a little spoiled the past nine months. Now he's got to deal with the same two tired people to take care of him always. No fresh meat in twelve hours, nobody taking care of you while the other person rests (theoretically, yes we could take shifts but... one that doesn't even SOUND right, two you try sleeping with Screamy McBaby blowing up the world because he does not understand what is going on in his mouth).

He is teething, gassy, and learning to deal with home life. Our car still has a bit of an odor when we run the vent so I am loath to use it to transport him unless it is warm enough to not use the heater. The mechanic suggests we take it to a detail shop and get the engine compartment cleaned.

But, all things considered, my little dude is doing fine. Going to be interesting to deal with the two-a-week home care visits, calls from the hospital to check up on us, weekly pediatric doctor visits, etc... but I suppose it's part of the game when your kid is a premie gut baby.

Life happens, you live it or not. And the "or not" option carries some grim implications, so we carry on!

too much poop

So Logan's feeds had to be stopped last night. In two days his output from his ostomy trippled. They did some testing and so far he is negative for C Diff (a nasty stool bacteria). They restarted his feeds this afternoon at a lesser rate so we'll see how it goes. Poor guy :(

Otherwise he's been happy. He is smiley and interactive. He is TEETHING LIKE CRAZY. He always is nomming on his lil finners. (that's mommy for he's chewing on his fingers).

Uncle Charlie came by today and Logan just looooves him. They were adorable together. Charlie will be a huge mentor for Logan because he went through a lot of childhood surgeries and illnesses so as Logan gets older and wonders how to deal with his differences I'm hoping Charlie will help him out (I know he will).